Today I realized something.
For this past year I have focused on mental health. I actually have the pandemic to thank for that. I have realized how important mental health is to all of us. Not just those who are sad, depressed, going through a hard time, but also those who are happy, successful, and who have it together. That last one though.. how many of us actually, I mean actually, have it together?
My mental health really took a toll during the pandemic. Getting laid off really put me in a dark place. (Let me break to say I know I was not and still not alone. There were many of us who were going through the same thing.) I got panicky about everything. I panicked about what was happening at home, at work (when co-workers were being called back), what my family was doing and how they were doing.
I saw first hand how people turned on people and businesses. It was a war on illnesses and a war amongst humans. I mean, honestly, what kind of place do you need to be in that you think it’s okay to attack someone else for doing something that they feel is right for themselves and their business? I digress.
When I got back to work things were different. Besides the obvious things that were different. The office I was working in the environment was completely different. Those who I was close with were now working from home. Those who were still in the office, I felt that the treatment was different. The amount of times my lay off was called a 3 month vacation or break is more than my fingers and toes. As if that “break” was an actual break. That’s when things really got under my skin. So I guess you can say that I was on the outs for 12 months. Basically since I got called back to the office I was on the way out.
I don’t want to bore you with the details of my past work. It’s in the past for a reason, right?
Yes, it started 12 months ago, but it started to really get bad in March of this year and progressively got worse. It was to the point where I would be so broken, so bothered that the thought of having to go to work made me break down. That’s right, every single day I would have a complete break down. Anxiety attacks were the regular in my life. I was so unsure of what was around the corner or what reprimand was going to happen. I fel that no matter what I did it was wrong or something was going to break and it would be my fault. Of course, thinking back there was nothing. It was just the environment that I was in that made me feel so uncomfortable that I thought that everything was going to crumble around me. In the end it was a toxic work environment that I needed to get myself out of.
I did just that. In May I started a part time job very little one to two days a week. Something that I thought I could build up some extra cash and start paying off those student loans. It wasn’t until about a month into it that I saw that it was a better place to be both mentally and emotionally that I knew that I needed to make it work and to make it be my full time.
This is where today falls into the story. Today there was a very minor situation that I thought, going back to my past job, that I was going to be reprimanded for that was actually prasied for. I made a decision to switch something around that I thought was more right for the season. All I was told was, “You should feel at liberty to do things like that”. Excuse me what? That would have never happened at my old job. There was no liberty to do anything we felt needed to be done. There’s too much focus on making every last penny and not enough focus on just being decent human beings.
All in all, I feel so much better where I am now. Granted there are still days where this is just a job. I will have those days. Everyone has those days. Those days have been few and far between. Since switching I haven’t had a break down. My anxiety seems to be lessening. I am beginning to love me again and to get back into what I love doing.